The Compassionate Lie
I had a conversation about the idea of the “compassionate lie” with my dear friend the other day. We disagree.
Have you heard of this concept? I learned of it years ago as I was caring for many elderly family members. My very smart brother-in-law shared it with me.
Here’s the premise: For those (in my case elderly) who are diminished in their cognitive abilities to reason, remember and process life’s challenges, the compassionate lie edits information to bite-sized, hygenic pieces for them to absorb without becoming upset. That’s right, I would edit and scrub it down to just-right bits of info that they could absorb and process WITHOUT the fear they were “slipping.” Not condescending or pandering. I didn’t talk down to them. It was compassion for their dignity to “be” and participate in this world as best they could.
As an example. When my elderly auntie would get worried about an upcoming appointment, event, family dinner or trip, she would cancel at the last minute saying she “couIdn’t possibly go.” She would get nervous about the possibility of forgetting family members' names, who would pick her up, what she would wear, how long she would be gone, would there be lunch? etc. So, knowing her anxious tendencies I chose to edit her exposure to the plans to limit her overwhelm. In an effort to curb her needless stress and suffering, I only told her the details as they were needed. And never too far in advance, so she couldn’t perseverate on all the questions (that I had already most likely answered many times.)
Now, is that really a lie? Probably a lie of omission, but I’d do it again in a heartbeat. In my mind I wasn’t trying to deceive, I was trying to be protective (in much the same way we shielded our young children from details that were inappropriate for one so young.)
My friend says she could never do that. She says she wants to be upfront and honest with her elderly father and views the compassionate lie as disrespectful and manipulative. Pretty black and white. Maybe, maybe not.
It really is a reflection of your family culture and how you care for each other. I don’t think there’s a right or wrong way here. And that’s actually the beauty of it.
In my coaching conversations, I never have a predetermined opinion on what’s right for my client. I don’t know what’s right for them, but they do. We thoughtfully talk of their issues, possibilities, and outcomes. Those outcomes are up to them depending on their choices. I teach them that good, bad or indifferent if that’s their continued choice they need to love their reasons.
As it relates to the compassionate lie, I did (and still do) love my reasons.
How about you, where do you stand on the compassionate lie? Is there something you’d like to talk through on a complimentary consultation call? Need some perspective? Heck, if you’ve been reading this column for a while, perspective and humor are here for the taking! Join me! Here’s what my client had to say:
“I just love working with Anne! She has an amazing rapport with her clients and feels like a friend and mentor who is only out to lift you up and maximize your life while also being graceful and professional. I always look forward to my sessions with her; she’ll push you to new awareness but isn’t afraid to not take life too seriously. I love those things about her and would not hesitate to recommend her as a coach!” -A.H. Prescott, AZ.
You’re the Best,
Anne