Making Room
The more I think I know, the more I realize I don’t know. Anyone with me on that one (and it doesn’t escape me, probably not the words you want to hear from your life coach, am I right?) Stay with me.
I enjoy being an observer. You already know I adore my clients and the time we spend together working on skilled thoughts to live by. I am delighted when clients tell me about an insightful nugget which brings them perspective, humor, grace. This work is transformative.
It helps to make sense of life’s riddles. One of the riddles I’ve been pondering was exactly what my pastor talked about in her sermon this week. The title was “There’s room for every story.”
So often we only want our pretty stories told. Stories of ease, acceptance, calm and content. And yes, I love those too. But that’s really just half the picture. I’ve talked about the 50/50 before. I learned it from my coaching “people” and I use it everyday.
It’s the concept that in our life there is 50% positive and 50% negative emotion. Spoiler alert: it's the gritty 50% negative emotion that brings a majority of personal growth (but only if you have the wisdom to engage it.) Problem is we run in the opposite direction, avoid it like the plague. Only natural since our human brains are wired to protect us, and avoiding pain falls into that category. But that was when there were real dangers around each corner (things that could eat you.)
As we have evolved we don’t need to worry about the saber toothed tiger, but our brains still alert us to pain, thinking it’s the same necessary survival instinct that served our primal ancestors. Commence avoidance, resistance, reaction. But there is a fourth alternative, allowance…or shall I say, making room for every story.
And here’s the twister. You don’t really know the fullness of love, happiness, generosity unless you’ve known the sting of indifference, misery, greed. If we were supposed to be happy 100% of the time, we’d be happy about some really sad things. These are our seasons, and this 50/ 50 concept encompasses that. Recall those ancient marriage vows: ”In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer, good times and in bad.” 50/50 right?
When things get challenging, (and they will) I like to ask, “who do you want to be in this situation?’ Being in the “muck” you allow the process. Assuaging the discomfort doesn’t make the bad things right, but it gives you agency on the next steps. And my pal Tony Robbins says, “when you're in hell, don’t stop there, keep going.” Besides, resisting only makes the misery bigger, ie being mad about feeling angry, follow?
Step one. Provide room for your story. Tell your story, all of it. Don't assign blame, default to excuses, dismiss or discount any of it. It will be very uncomfortable. It's supposed to be. This is the birthplace of resilience.
Step two. Go about gaining the wisdom and growth the story has for you. Dig in. Get to the other side of it. Assemble your partners here. This is key.
And once you gain the resilient skill of overcoming negative emotion, your bounce-back factor compounds.
So many skip step two. They slap on a bandaid and guess what? The healing is only superficial, and they take the injury with them going forward. And the years add up. Instead of resilience compounding, the injuries do.
What would be the impact if you knew how to wrestle the uncomfortable, and win? Not just impact now, but in five or ten years? What will change for the better because you had the courage to confront the challenge? And what will be the impact of not doing it?
People might say they cannot “afford” the steps needed to go forward.
I tell them they cannot afford not to.
I invite you to work with me on your story. This is from a client who did just that:
“Anne is honest and real. She shares a perspective that helped me better understand the changes I wished to make. She was able to help me uncover a new path forward. I am so glad I met her when I did. “ -Linda
Curious about what coaching is all about? I can walk you through the process for steps one and two for a better tomorrow. Make room for your story, and then make it work for you.
Find me here.
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