Watch Your Thoughts
Let me walk you through a scenario, get comfy! (names have been changed to protect the innocent.)
Dina planned a surprise party for her husband’s 50th birthday. She painstakingly made all of the arrangements. She managed the guest list, included special people from husband’s past to be there, came up with a theme, produced lots of photos of husband at various times of his life, created beautiful decorations, hired a caterer, arranged for the kids to be flown into town, you get the idea. This took months.
At the last moment husband's best friend Frank (who was scheduled to make a wonderful speech at the party) called and said he couldn’t attend, and he was really sorry. Well you can imagine Dina's disappointment. In fact, Dina got quite upset about it, as she made Frank's absence mean that he didn’t value their friendship.
In fact it caused a rift in the decades-long friendship. Dina stopped speaking to Frank, and continued to rehash mean thoughts about what a selfish and crumby friend he is, undependable, etc. Her anger was justified, right?Now, here's where we get off track. You might think Dina was livid because Frank cancelled on the party. You're wrong.
Stay with me, Dina was livid because of what she made the cancellation mean,
her interpretation of Frank’s cancellation. Her thoughts (Frank doesn’t care about us) created her feelings (mad) which caused her to behave like a defensive and vindictive person.
Here's what really happened: Frank had to cancel his plans to attend the party because he got some very scary health news. Nothing was confirmed yet, and he was in shock and having a hard time processing what this might mean for him and his family. So he kept the health scare to himself when he cancelled on the party.
Now of course had she known Dina (who is just human after all) would have chosen to handle the whole drama differently, she really is a nice gal. BUT my point here is it wasn’t Frank's absence that caused Dina all that heartburn, if that was the case, then she’d have been mad regardless of the reason.
It was the story she attached to it. And here’s the good news, while we don’t choose our circumstances or what happens to us, we ALWAYS choose our thoughts about them.
Next time you have your knickers in bind about something, ask yourself:
What am I making this mean?
What else could be true here?
Does this thinking align with me being my highest self?
Why would I believe that thought?
Does that thinking serve me? The circumstance?
This approach puts you in the observer place. It gets you out of the thick of the drama, and allows for some perspective and options for a better outcome.
Our thoughts are optional, no one believes me when I first tell them that,
I didn’t used to believe it either. They are!
Let me help you get the perspective and confidence to let go of the painful stories that continue to get in your way. It’s a coaching conversation that leaves you lighter and more hopeful. It feels so good to know you have agency in your life.
That’s usually the beginning of many possibilities.
Epilogue: Frank and Dina and husband patched things up (Frank also knew his thoughts were optional, and didn’t take Dina's choices too badly.) Frank is taking both families on a cruise throughout the Fijian Islands to celebrate his best buddy's birthday and also his own clean bill of health. #coachingworks!
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Grateful for you,
Anne