When your children struggle
It’s the WORST… am I right? One of the hardest things we do as parents (whether you have your own kids or have stepped into the role for others) is to watch our children encounter the rough spots in life.
When children are small, their problems tend also to be small ones. I remember so fondly, cuddling them after a fall, wiping their tears, getting out the “magic bandaids” and giving them a kiss as they get back on the bike.
Adult children have adult problems. Ouch, they can hurt. That’s the way of it. What I wouldn’t give to have an afternoon with my wise mama. In prayer I still seek her advice and perspective. She lived her faith so personally, it showed up all over the place. Especially in challenging times. And yet she knew my struggles would lead to a greater tenacity and resilience, as hers did. She never let me go completely upside down, but she also didn’t right the ship for me. Follow?
Some children invite you into their struggle (ask for advice, share the story of conflict, etc) and others will lay it all at your feet, and want you to make it disappear. What is the most helpful way to show up for your child? A very personal question, and answered differently depending on the culture of your family. Some families are knee-deep in each other’s business, some are lost without drama, and still others are siloed into separateness and have boundaries around that part. There is no right way or wrong way to be about it.
Talking with many people over the years I have found that our adult children want assuredness. They say, “He’s my rock.” All good but I will also add one of the best gifts to offer them is owning their struggle. Level with them. Having the conversation that says:
“Yeah this is hard, and it might be that way for a while, there really are no shortcuts here, but what I DO know is this is life getting you to the next place. It might be uncomfortable, ugly and downright hurtful now, and you are going to be ok. I know because I have been there too….and I know you.”
Painful times are part of the gig. AND, those times are when the growth happens. Having the resilience to sit with the conflict and all of the feelings it brings up, and not shy away from it…true tenacity, true maturity.
As humans, we SUFFER when we resist the pain, push it away, and begin to create stories about it. Stories with blame, victims, bitterness, and now guess what? Here comes anxiety, I call it pain on a repeat loop. That's the math of it. AND it's a very human way to react, we've all done it.
“Feeling terrible and being willing to be in that space (without the protective stories) is what gives you the confidence and strength to let it go….when you deny it, resist it, it doesn’t work.”-Brooke Castillo.
And guess what, when they are willing to let it go, they bounce back a little stronger for having “slayed that dragon” …one of my mom’s sayings, I told you she was wise.
I always tell my wonderful clients that pain is sometimes necessary, suffering NEVER is. Emotional maturity is having the fidelity to process pain. It’s tempting, but don’t jump in the quagmire with your kids. Don’t tell them how unfair it all is and feed that baby. Don’t avoid the needed conversation because it’s uncomfortable. That makes YOU not being authentic. Show up for them. Throw them the lifeline, but don’t jump in the pool. They need wise you. Help your children, sit with them, hand them a tissue, let them know the other side of this is calling, and it’s a good song, I promise.
If you have a story that won’t go away and causes that ache in your heart. I’ve got you. Shame, regret, guilt, remorse, humiliation don't have to have the last word. What I want you to know is you can feel better and lighter TODAY. Let me show you how. Set up a discovery call, no selling, no shame, just two of us brainstorming how to get you on the road the feeling better!
AND if you are not sharing this column with your friends and family, what the heck? I bet you can think of three people right now who would benefit from our chats in this column. You'll be a hero, really!!
Click here to add a friend or loved one into our weekly email tribe, all are welcome here!
Schedule a free mini private session here.
Grateful for you,
Anne