Storytime
Stories. The narratives we create.
We all have ‘em…..and we adopt them as truth.
They can begin very early, and stay with us a long time.
Some stories are really lovely. They are filled with loving, supportive messages and it’s a delight to entertain them. When I think of my own mother and grandmother, I conjure these types of stories (I hope that’ll be true of me one day.)
Yet some stories are not. This is where all of the heartburn starts.
You see, many narratives (or stories) are pure fiction, but they're embraced as gospel fact. Sad, hurtful stories that divide and damage relationships with others, AND within ourselves. Here’s what I mean.
“Sally” hadn’t spoken to her sisters in 10 months. It was the family reunion, which coincidentally was the same day as her birthday. For months the family had planned for all of the details. Invitations, reservations, updates, flights, lodging, food, T-shirts, picnics, the whole nine yards.
Sally is a hard working go-getter and was all in, in fact coordinating a large part of the arrangements.
The reunion weekend finally arrived, and it went really well. Everyone enjoyed spending time with each other and catching up. They talked about their shared history, met spouses, significant others, new babies and agreed to meet again in the near future.
Except there wasn't a mention of Sally’s birthday. In the excitement and the myriad of plans, her birthday fell through the cracks. Sally was so hurt. She developed a narrative that "once again" she was overlooked, taken for granted, left out. As she got going on the story, she began to gather additional “evidence” as to why it was true which ballooned into massive resentment and acrimony.
Her bitterness spread into her relationship with her sisters. After the reunion Sally became dismissive and curt. When they finally talked, Sally told her sisters how hurtful and humiliating the omission was, and not to count on her in future. “I’m out!” she screamed.
Sally was CONVINCED she had every right to this story, no matter how painful. Her sisters apologized but honestly, after a while became perturbed with how far Sally’s temper tantrum had gone. They didn't understand this was just the latest chapter of a long tale.
Here's where it gets thick. For Sally this event triggered past injuries, injustices, and slights she had filed away and held on to. This just fed her narrative about how undervalued she was in the family. This thinking started when she was a young girl and as you can see persisted for years.
She made the oversight mean something terrible about her siblings, and in fact none of it was true. There was no animus about her birthday, in the excitement they truly had simply forgotten. That’s it. A mistake.
Because Sally had this long standing story, this event fed right into it. Opening a festering wound that was familiar and excruciating.
Happy to report the road back for Sally began when I asked her, “what else could be true?” She at first resisted putting down her mallet, but eventually she allowed curiosity to prevail. It opened up a story she had forged for years that didn’t serve her. She began the work of learning a mindset that allowed her to entertain thoughts that had a better outcome. Wounds heal from the inside out, and so did she.
What are those stories for you? Where are the familiar bruises? I think if you're human you’ll have a few. Pretty sure we all do. But here’s the good news. Just becoming aware of the story can open a path to healing it, and writing a new one.
Talking this through with a coach trained in this work can take the air out of the hostile tire. Ask me how I know! Stories can be good and nurturing and some not so much. Those are the heavy ones, let me know when you're ready to lighten that load. It’s what I do. Find me here.
“Why bother? Because right now there is someone out there with a wound in the exact shape of your words.” -Sean Thomas Dougherty