Provisional Happiness
Have you heard the saying, “You're only as happy as your least happy child?” (for those without children you can insert a family member, partner, whomever you share a close emotional relationship with.)
I have heard this for years, and I USED to believe it. After all, we want our loved ones to enjoy happiness, with a thriving and rewarding life. If they do not, or are struggling, it’s a weight for us too right? I get it, and like I say I USED to be in that camp.
I no longer believe this. And here’s why.
This statement, (“You're only as happy as your least happy child?”) gives the agency of my own happiness to another person. Why would I give that to anyone else, no matter who they are?
In effect it says, “I see you are unhappy, anxious, depressed, disappointed (fill in the blank there’s plenty to go around) and I cannot be happy until you longer feel (emotion listed above.”) Sounds like devotion, loyalty and being supportive right?
It’s almost a pact; both of us are happy or neither of us is happy. But here's the thing, does that make the unhappy party happier? No. Does that create a pathway to growth and the needed awareness and skills to change their emotional state? No. In fact it’s a bit of a martyred approach.
People will be unhappy, you will too. It’s the way it works. It is a normal human emotion and as long as we live this human life it will be available to us, (along with all the other emotions “good or bad”.)
We make being unhappy THE WORST event ever, and immediately go about “the fix.” Whatever it takes to jettison out of that space and into a more comfortable state. After all we're supposed to happy 100% of the time right? Isn’t everyone? Nope. I don’t care what Instagram says!
These times are not accidental, they are part of the deal. They are often the needed step to learn what's required to handle the next “thing” that's around the corner. It’s called tenacity and resilience. Saving people from their pain and struggle is stunting their growth, and declaring that you won’t be happy until they are happy is a double whammy.
So here’s where I fall now. If I have a dear one who is struggling, I won’t decide I cannot be happy until they are. Which, btw, doesn’t mean that seeing them struggle isn’t hard and that I don't care, not at all. I just won’t give the power of my happiness to anyone else.
Instead, I might say, “I see this is hard for you and you are struggling right now. It’s difficult to watch you struggle for sure. Just know I am here for you always. But what I also want you to know is you are powerfully strong, and I believe in your ability to get to the other side of it. Let me know if you want to talk about it, if that would be helpful? I love you.”
It’s a beautiful conversation. Your loved one feels your support and you haven't mortgaged your happiness to things you have no control over.
Try this out, let me know how it works. I guarantee it’s a better way forward for both of you.
If you want to practice this idea, hop on a free private call with me, and we can put it together for you. I do it all the time.