Father’s Day, For Dad
Wishing all the Fathers a happy one. But it’s not a “Hallmark moment” for everyone. Just as in every relationship we experience in our lifetime, sometimes the Father’s can be challenging.
It was for me. My dad passed away eight years ago, so he is no longer here to make new memories or dispute the old ones! He was the kind of person who struggled with his role as a Father. Not his obligation, he was a wonderful provider, and no stranger to hard work. He loved my mother dearly and he would heed her wise counsel (for 56 years) and always follow the whispers she planted about the next thing to do.
Dad was accomplished. A career Naval officer, and very proud of his service. Once he retired from the Navy, with a wife and four kids in tow and earned a Masters Degree in Mechanical Engineering from Stanford University. He also had a rough childhood, and I guess that’s why he didn’t have that instinctual flow I credit with so many other fathers. Shopping for Hallmark Father's Day cards was difficult, none of those cards really reflected my heart. He was human and flawed. Just like me, and probably you. I could continue with this narrative, but here’s where the story changes.
I learned the best skill. My thoughts (and what I make them mean) are optional. I have some agency here and that’s a good thing. I learned that I can frame my thoughts and therefore my feelings around a result that I wanted. I could continue the story that I wish dad was different, I wish I was different, with regret. But I don’t love that story.
I decided to remember the whole man. The little boy who struggled, and also worked very hard and accomplished far more than his meager upbringing could have suggested. I remember his laugh, how at home he was on his boat, and how he loved our wonderful mother. He was proud of his family (although would never have said that to any of us.) Because of him I am a better mom to my children, (oh yes I am) and I picked a wonderful father for them. Thanks dad what a gift.
The past can be tricky. Serious traumas and tragedy are indeed to be held in a healing and purposeful manor. I am not suggesting to “thought swap” your way out of hardship. And if you find yourself there, you and a trusted therapist will know what is best for you.
I simply offer you my story. It’s now different because I decided I wanted to embrace ALL of it, not just the drama. It feels better and lighter, more respectful and authentic. 100% my choice. Years after dad died I was able to change my relationship with him because I changed my thinking.
Happy Father’s Day daddy, I hope heaven has a nice celebration planned.
How about you? Ready to decide a different story for yourself? Let's talk!
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Grateful for you,
Anne